The entire adoption process, and now parenting our child, has shown me the most raw picture of God’s love. The struggles and the healing throughout our journey is just miraculous looking back on it all. We knew, early on that we could not get pregnant or have a successful pregnancy and that adoption was going to be part of our family’s story; what we did not know was how drastically the process alone would change our lives.
The first lesson I learned was to completely trust in God in every celebration and in every bump along the way; that was the lesson I struggled with the most throughout our journey as well. After 10 months of paper work, meetings, and classes, we had completed our home study and all of our classroom hours. As we fundraised and saw God’s provision, you would think that trusting Him would come easy. But when you wake up every morning to an empty nursery, staring at your phone waiting for the call that will change your life, the call that says, “Your baby is on it’s way!” each second feels like a thousand years and you begin to doubt.
I became so focused on what was ahead, I remember reading book after book about baby’s sleep patterns, and making organic baby food, and how to raise a confident child, etc. I had completely lost touch with the current moment. I had lost touch with how I could give and receive love today, how I could serve today, encourage those around me today, etc. As advent approached, I remember dreaming this dream where God was walking with me and He said so clearly, “I am present in the wait. Even when your heart can’t be present, I am present for you in your wait.” It was so painful and calming to hear from Him. I knew my heart was already in the future with our child to be, but I just could not bring myself to be content in the current moment. I could not bring myself to be present in the wait. That was a lesson I heard, but I never was able to conquer. I tried so hard to be present, but I was already so overwhelmingly in love this little baby we had not met yet. We were matched with our child’s birth mother a week before Thanksgiving, 2013, and our son was born December 13th, 2013. It was the best day of our lives.
Recently, I have heard many people say, “Your son is so lucky to have you, he is so lucky to be your son.” While I understand the sentiment, I really hope our son does not feel lucky to have us as parents. I never want him to feel that he owes us something for adopting him into our family. If anything, we are the lucky ones. We loved him more than words can speak before he was even conceived. We waited for him with our hearts beating every single beat in anticipation for his arrival. We cried tears of joy even just getting a phone call that he might possibly be ours. We grew this wild unconditional love for this little baby boy before he was ever even born. We broke our bank account in preparation for him, we sacrificed everything to bring him home, but we are the lucky ones.
It makes me think of our posture with Christ. Many times, we feel that we owe God so much for His sacrifice for us. How many of us spend our time going through the motions of church, or feeling guilty for not praying enough, serving enough, giving enough, etc. all because we feel that we owe God something since He was gracious enough to love us and sacrifice His life for us. I bet His posture is a lot like that of a adoptive parent, He gave up everything just to be with us, and He loved us with a love that we will never be able to fully comprehend before we were even conceived. To think that we owe Him anything probably breaks His heart as He whispers closely, “I just love you beyond measure, and want to be close to you. I want you to experience joy and love, and grace to the fullest extent. I want you to adventure with me and experience all the world I have gifted to you.” God, may we love you without boundaries, may we experience your love to the fullest and rest in your delight.