by Tiffany Heath
As a child, fear plagued me. Being alone in any room caused me to tremble and long for escape. I prepared for bedtime as a soldier entering battle. Flashlight, socks, nightlight, radio, stuffed animal bodyguard, cordless phone, and a spray bottle. Blame the active imagination. It is as much a curse as a blessing. Did you know that there was an actual creature who lived beneath my bed and lurked when the lights went out? He persistently loomed over my thoughts. If a foot slipped out of the covers for more than five seconds, I would be pulled below and gnawed to pieces by his thrashing teeth. Fact. Luckily, my wandering feet always found redemption under the covers in four seconds or less. Wearing socks to bed ensured safety. Creatures don’t touch blankets or clothing—only human flesh…pretty serious creature business. Keeping the socks on your feet all night was a true act of God, though. He always had his hand of protection over my tiny feet. Triumphantly, the creature vanished (although I choose to believe he was eventually vaporized) after I learned to recite Psalm 23. Creatures pale in comparison to scripture.
For years at night, I was battling creatures and nightmares. During the day, my vaporizing scriptures didn’t always vanish what I feared. In totally real life, I hadn’t met a slimy green beast who stalked me in pursuit of dining on the delicacy of my toes, but it certainly felt that way after moving and beginning anew in a different city and school. I was always prepared with my “vaporizer” and “socks.” Metaphorically speaking. SoCal kids wear flip flops, even in wintertime.
Through thick and thin, I trudged through life as my own superhero, vaporizing junior high bullies, failures, breakups, moves, health problems, disappointments, the prolonged loneliness of solitude, and even normal seasons that brought reluctance. As you age, your fears become more complicated and interwoven in the fabric of your identity and independence. That which could not be defeated would henceforth be avoided. Fun coping mechanisms for adults. Weeeee!
Eventually, I understood that avoiding a fearful situation will not dissolve it but prolong it instead. In my experience, it also intensifies fear. My heart became hardened and I was weak from preparing for battle constantly. I didn’t interact without my “vaporizer” and personal superhero cape. Always ready to save myself. Not surprisingly, family and friends notice the figurative vanishing techniques that keep you at arms distance. They will refer to this as “too many walls.” As empowering as courage and bravery are, always being your only hero is sad. What happens one day when you are not strong enough anymore to defeat the creature on your own, but you don’t know how to ask for help? Fear conquers when pride is your protection.
Two years ago, I met my greatest foe, and fear, face to face. My family, the greatest piece of my heart, separated. I wasn’t figuratively alone anymore. I was physically alone. The pain of extreme loneliness amidst the chaos of conflict shattered my life into pieces. Worse yet, I could not vaporize the creature of divorce. I could not fix anything. This loss coupled with the passing of my beloved uncle and a friend left me breathless. I grappled to the social safety of workaholic syndrome and the completely secure world of dating. Filling the void of grief is never that easy. Simultaneously, my career imploded and each relationship that began rejected me. I always knew there would come a day when I wouldn’t be living in the fear of being alone again…but would physically be living it.
When I faced the giant of loneliness, I trembled. I shook, bargained, avoided, ran, suffered from the depression of isolation, and eventually realized that I could not take away the pain of my fear. No matter how hard I tried. I was not going to escape it and would not be able to vanquish this creature. Anger boiled up within me at the lack of control I had and life continued to bring further loss.
Losing what I valued most humbled me. Facing my fear reminded me that I am still the child hiding under her covers with a spray bottle and layers of socks on her feet. Just as I needed my vaporizing Psalm once upon a time, I needed to acknowledge the promise of that Psalm.
God is my shepherd. I am not without when he is beside me. He leads me, protects me, provides for me. He REFRESHES my soul and leads me on right paths for his glory. EVEN WHEN I WALK THROUGH THE DARKEST PLACES, I WILL NOT FEAR. GOD IS WITH ME, PROTECTING ME. He welcomes, blesses, and gives me provision in the presence of my enemies. I have everything I need in him and more.
His goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will live in his home forever.
We will never be alone because God is always with us. The promise of Psalm 23 vanquishes all fear.
Facing my foe allowed me to see how great God is. It taught me to set aside my pride and ask for his help. I pleaded, “Help! I am lonely. Send me friends.” He sent friends. In spades. “Send me responsibility. I need motivation and purpose.” He sent a stubborn puppy. “I miss my family. My heart is in pain without them.” He provided me with the wisdom, compassion, and love to reach out to them. With humble hearts, he is teaching us how to forgive and support each other. “Send me a job that provides and encourages.” He led me back to a job in a loving community. “God, I need a support system that will keep me close to you.” He sent friendships that anchored me and pulled me out of the pit of depression. He sent me a lighthouse, a guide, a place of safety, full of his love for others, and connection with him. He sent me Axiom Church.
I don’t believe that God wants us to stop vanquishing creatures. In fact, I believe he blesses this and I choose to believe that he is a mega-fan of this! May we always do what we are afraid to do (with him). But when our fears are completely demolished, we should rejoice that we weren’t holding the vaporizing spray bottle on our own. A strong and powerful God has his hands of protection over us.
Even when life smacks us in the face, we can call him, beep him, if we wanna reach him (Kim Possible reference). He’ll be there, one step ahead, and *pew pew pew* (vaporizer noises).
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8)